In Defense of Practical Shoes
For some reason known only to the cycles of the Moon and perhaps the fashion gods I decided to wear 2″ Tommy Hilfiger heels to work the other day. Big mistake. My legs looked fantastic and my ass was high and flat. So why was my fashion sense a mistake?
My list of reasons:
1) Ow.
2) Ow.
3) Ow.
4) Ow. Ow. Ow.
Is this some unique experience known only to me? Why on earth do other women wear high heels on a regular basis? I have some friends who only wear 3″ heels. Am I alone in my pain? Surely long legs and a nice-looking ass can’t overcome pain, can they? I would love to hear your thoughts on this one, ladies. I’m just baffled by the experience. I mean, my shoes were HOT. I was kickin’ it. At least for the first half of the day when I could still walk.
I’m not sure, though, that my hot shoes were really appreciated by the others in my office, though. And that has me wondering whether practical shoes ought to have more weight in the fashion world. For one, I work with several older men. You’d think they’d still be interested in a lady with a nice tush, but they were more interested (or should I say annoyed?) in the fact that my shoes made cloppity sounds on the tiled floors.
There’s no denying it: I’m a fast walker. My grandmother was 4′8″ and could leave most folks in the dust. I inherited her fast pace, though I am not quite as petite as she was. So, as the day progressed I began to feel self-conscious about disrupting everyone’s train of thought as I sped my way noisily down the hall.
Maybe there are other valid reasons for wearing sensible shoes. Maybe pain isn’t the only factor to consider. Maybe practical shoes are not just nice for our feet but nice for our neighbors, too.
It’s just too bad they don’t make our legs look so long and lean …
Why Little Boys Don’t Wear Underwear
On Monday I was driving my kids (ages 4-3/4 and 2-1/2) to the shopping mall to let them ride the carousel, play in the Toddler area, eat chicken nuggets and French fries at Chik-fil-A, you know … all that really good stuff that makes me proud I’m a parent on a winter day. Anyway, I wanted to make the day a fun adventure, something more than just another trip to the mall, and I realized that Valentine’s Day is coming up soon.
“I know,” I said excitedly, “Let’s look for a Valentine’s Day gift for Daddy.”
Two happy cheers greeted me from the backseat.
“What do you think we should get him?” I asked.
No response.
“What about a pair of underwear with hearts on them?”
My oldest (who will turn 5 next month) responded immediately. “Ew!” she said.
I admit I was a little confused at first, but then I thought she was grossed out because I was talking about her dad and his underwear.
“Boys don’t wear underwear!” she shouted, as if I was a silly goose.
“Of course they do,” I said.
“No, they don’t.”
“Yes, they do, sweetheart. Boys wear underwear. Even your friend G at school wears underwear.”
“Ew!” she shrieked.
I was kind of pleased by this reaction, I have to say. After all, this is the same boy she told me she wanted to marry when she grew up. Her reason for wanting to marry him was that “he’s funny.”
(Smart girl. You have been listening after all.)
Still, G is a punk and I’ll take him down if it goes any further than telling jokes to my little girl. Okay, maybe I won’t take him down, but I’m going to be wary of letting them spend any time alone together. You know how it is when two curious little minds get together …
Yeah, not going to happen.
Thank Heavens that she thinks boys’ underwear is gross!
Baggy Pants
About halfway through the day I have decided that the wool sweater my husband shrunk in the dryer needs to be donated to charity. I just can’t stretch it out far enough to make it feel comfortable. I can’t say for certain whether I’d find it comfortable without the shrinkage, however, as wool tends to make my skin itch. I love the cable knit pattern and that it’s from The Gap. Name brands are not something I possess much of these days. Not since my years in high school have I had a wardrobe worth sighing over.
At any rate, I think the sweater needs to go. Pouty face.
Since I’m donating the sweater, I think the pants I’m wearing also need to find a new home. For one, they are too big. I have to wear a belt in order for them to stay up. The result is that my butt looks huge. I can’t explain why at one point in my life I thought baggy pants were flattering on me, but I’m thankfully letting that fashion phase come to a close. My mom will be so happy.
So will my husband. I think.
Truthfully, my husband wants me to gain weight. Yes, you read that right. My husband thinks I am too skinny. Most everyone else will agree with him. Yes, you can hate me if you are one of those women who has the opposite problem.
That being said, I kind of feel like maybe I ought to hang onto the pants in the event that I do gain weight. I do feel like perhaps the pants are a thing of the past, though, wrapped up in my “baggy pants” phase. And, I wore them during college. Isn’t that reason enough to say goodbye to them?
Say it with me, “I am a 35-year-old woman with two beautiful children. I can let go of the past and discover a new future.”